


all you do is feel

by fxbricxtedrexlity



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Healthy Coping Mechanisms, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mamamoo ensemble - Freeform, Multi, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Various Mental Illnesses, this is set in a hospital
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:08:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24765193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxbricxtedrexlity/pseuds/fxbricxtedrexlity
Summary: cuddling and puppy piles are the last thing on hyejin’s mind when she thinks of where she is
Kudos: 34





	all you do is feel

**Author's Note:**

> a tad bit of warning before you proceed :)
> 
> this fic contains various mental illnesses and mature themes
> 
> if some of the warnings put you off, please press the back button now :)
> 
> relationship dynamic between all of mamamoo’s members
> 
> i respect each and every one of the characters and real people i used in this fic
> 
> I guess that’s all, please enjoy :)

all you do is feel

**::**

for the great **varoro2**

**::**

_cuddling and puppy piles are the last thing on hyejin’s mind when she thinks of where she is._

**::**

There’s a girl on the other bed.

Hyejin stares, still one foot inside the room, the girl not as surprised. Must be waiting for her? No, that can’t be.

“Ah, Hyejin,” the voice startles her, the grip she had on the doorknob tightening. She hates when people sneak up on her like that. But the woman just smiles at her. “, great timing. This is your roommate,” the girl stands up at being addressed, bowing her head but her eyes are trained on Hyejin’s, calculating.

“Jung Wheein.” Is all she says, muttering something about checking the bathroom, excusing herself.

They both watch Jung Wheein’s back, the staff turning to her. “I’ll let you guys settle in,” she waves, nonchalant, like they’re just normal teenagers escorted to their college dorm. Something inside her aches, the longing for something normal a fleeting thought.

Hyejin just drops on her bed, eyes the bright neon stickers on the other girl’s suitcase, something you’ll never miss and look at twice. She wonders if this room will fill up, wonders if she’ll stick around long enough to see the other two beds occupied.

Wheein comes out of the bathroom, passing by Hyejin’s bed to get to hers.

“Did they take away your stuff, too?” Is the first thing Wheein asks, placing her suitcase on the floor and starting to unpack.

“They did,” she answers, looking at the ceiling instead because even if they’re in this place, it doesn’t excuse her to just stare at a stranger. “, they take something from you?”

“My razor and sewing kit.” It makes sense. Hyejin got hers taken too.

“Other two out already?”

Hyejin turns her head to see Wheein incline her head towards the other two beds.

“Nope, I was the first, and now you.”

“I see.”

She sighs. “They said that we’re potential celebrities,” Hyejin sees Wheein stop unpacking at the corner of her eyes. “, that’s what they told me, that’s why we can’t be seen by others in case we do pursue the blinding lights after this.”

Wheein nods, the explanation making sense. “Okay.”

And that was the last thing Hyejin heard from her that night, following the other girl and doesn’t talk too much, doesn’t get attached.

But when it’s time for their dinner, Hyejin can’t help but eye the way Wheein grips the stairway railing securely, can’t help the way she notices how the other girl chews her food so carefully. And when she’s under her own covers, hearing the other girl’s breath deepening into a light snore, she gets it.

_She’s scared_.

**::**

They form a tentative friendship, asking questions about which company they were training under prior to this, learning that they’re from the same hometown but went to different middle schools that’s why they aren’t familiar with each other, discovering they’re the same age.

And friendships are good, Hyejin thinks, because there’s something dangerous about the other girl. Something that itches under her skin, wanting to reach out to the other girl and _help_.

But no, she won’t do that.

Because they’re not broken.

She repeats those words, hoping that if she mutters them enough, it might start feeling like the truth.

**::**

Two weeks after, Kim Yongsun comes barreling in the room, door banging against the wall so loudly that Hyejin flinches hard. Wheein, who was sitting by her side and their backs against Hyejin’s bed, reading a book in between them, glares at the new arrival.

It’s futile, she’s not even looking at the, busy throwing her own suitcase on the bed by the door and then storming outside.

“Rude,” Wheein huffs out, standing up to close the door but instead, the same staff knocks on the door jamb, a sheepish look on her face.

“Hi, sorry about that,” she doesn’t come inside the room this time, just eyes the mess the new person left in her now-side of the room, brushing her hair back. “That’ Kim Yongsun. She’s not particularly happy to be here.”

Hyejin snorts. “What gave it away,” she sasses drily, hiding the way she’s shaken up by Yongsun’s apparent anger.

The older woman just nods sagely, finds Hyejin’s sarcasm justifiable, before she excuses herself out.

“I don’t like her,” Wheein whispers, giggling when Hyejin agrees eagerly. They drape the book back on each of their laps, head bumping each other a little in an effort to have a good vantage point of both pages.

And it’s okay if Hyejin doesn’t like Yongsun. She has Wheein on her side, anyway. Doesn’t know why that matters so much but she holds on to it anyway.

Yongsun trudges inside their shared room just shy of lights-out, features noticeably calmer now. Hyejin heard that she’s held up in a doctor’s room the whole duration of the afternoon. Anyone would be drained by that, she thinks.

She goes through her belongings, Wheein’s sitting cross legged on top of her duvet, and Hyejin’s under her own covers, facing Wheein’s bed.

“Hey,” she hears a voice not matching the intensity of her earlier emotion, Yongsun standing at the foot of her bed, offering a bar of chocolate. Looking at it just reminds Hyejin of how much she ate at dinner, disgusted at herself for getting carried away in Wheein’s easy friendship.

She doesn’t say anything else, Hyejin accepts it either way.

Wheein keeps looking at them both until Yongsun turns to her. “Sorry,” she mutters, clearly noticing that it’s basically a two-versus-one scenario. There’s an expression on her face that betrays her experience in apologizing, so Wheein lets Yongsun go with a small smile.

**::**

Yongsun makes sure to stick with them and Hyejin doesn’t mind.

Apparently, the eldest of their little group of three has been seeing a doctor here way before but recent check ups proved her in need for admission. And with that comes the knowledge around the place.

“That guy? Heard he fucks dolls, can’t seem to stop.”

It’s one of the most entertaining Hyejin and Wheein has had in a while. Yongsun can stick around.

**::**

The fourth person in Moon Byulyi.

It’s a long day of checkups and therapy and trying to explain that _no, I’m not doing it to punish my family_. And it doesn’t help that Wheein’s mom visited her. If she looks out their bedroom window right now, she’ll see them in perfect view, sitting with their backs turned, unmoving.

Her mind’s not a hundred-percent with her so she startles when she opens the bedroom door and sees a new person sitting on the previously empty bed, a woman with pale skin and skin clinging to her cheekbones when she smiles.

“Hi, roomie,” her voice is low, smile on her face like everything’s normal. Again, Hyejin envies how it’s easy for some people to think that this is normal. That it’s normal to be in a room with three other strangers with problems they’re not willing to share to anyone beside someone with an MD at the end of their name. “, full room, huh? Guess we should throw a party.”

She decides that she doesn’t like Moon Byulyi.

Wheein, on the other hand, is smitten with the blasé way the new girl deals with everything. When Hyejin tells her such, Wheein shrugs and says:

“You know what Byulyi-unnie told me? That the sooner we finish, the sooner we get out of here. Don’t you want that, Hyejin-ah? We just need to do our best.”

Hyejin can’t fight with that logic, just acquiesces, a shiver running through her body at the thought of getting outside. A chance to be _normal_ again, like people her age. She wants that.

**::**

They see each other every waking minute to before the lights turn off for the night and Hyejin also prides in herself in how—despite their unfortunate circumstances—it’s brought the four of them together, forming a weird, warm circle of friendship.

So, when they’re seated in a circle, all four of them with a doctor in the middle, it’s a little unfamiliar. Especially when the last uttered words were _welcome to your group therapy._

“Well, then,” the doctor says, crossing her legs in an attempt of relaxing her body language. “I’m sure you all know why you’re not allowed to room with other patients and attend group sessions with them.”

No one speaks or nods. Hyejin kind of feels like she needs to pee. Maybe after.

The doctor clears her throat. “How about we take turns in telling why you’re here? Hyejin-ah? Why don’t you go first?”

Hyejin clears her throat, confident that everyone in the room knows who admitted her, but not the why. “I was in line for a debuting group when they said I’m a current liability and that I need help.” Because there’s all to it, she was seen as someone unstable, someone that needs fixing. At least, she knows better about the last part.

Someone clears their throat, awkwardness thick in the atmosphere. Hyejin eyes how Yongun’s leg bounces, getting more violent with every passing minute. The doctor motions for Wheein to carry on.

“I want to be an idol; my mom knows that.” She takes a deep breath, forcing herself to look the doctor in the eyes. Yongun cracks her knuckles. “She’s the one that took me here. And I think I need the help.”

Before the doctor can even breathe in Yongsun’s direction, she stands up, chair scraping loudly against the hardwood floor, already on the offensive of taking threatening steps towards the doctor. Hyejin never liked violence, frozen in her seat as the oldest of their bunch glares.

“Aren’t you being a little too invasive, doctor?”

And honestly, Hyejin can’t read Yongsun most days. She’s either too irritable or really chill; ready to spring into a fight or be lazy enough to skip breakfast and sleep in. Hyejin concludes that she probably never will, wide-eyed as she follows the other girl’s retreating back.

“I’m here ‘cause my parents made me,” Byul chimes in, leg swaying back and forth, as if nothing happened.

**::**

No one can really skip meal time—especially in Hyejin’s case—you need to finish what’s in your plate including the vitamins and pills. And it’s not much of a surprise to Hyejin when she notices Byulyi playing around with her food, her usual smile gone from her face and replaced with a blank look.

She knows it too well, so when Wheein takes off for her own individual therapy, Hyejin sticks to Byulyi’s side, eating with the other girl, matching her pace.

It’s a silent affair, accompanied by the occasional scraping of utensils, when Byulyi speaks up.

“You know, I want to be an idol so bad,” she eats the last spoonful of her food, staring at the plate before her like she can’t believe she did it. Yeah, Hyejin can relate. “, that I think I’ve gone too far.”

Hyejin just nods. And Byulyi already knows what it means.

**::**

Good days come to an end. It’s no surprise Yongsun’s the one that snaps first.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Hyejin stops, looking on as Yongsun breathes right in front of Wheein’s face, impatient written in every crease of the older girl’s forehead. “Stop being so _careful_. You’re not going to fucking break.”

With almost two months of living in close quarters, Hyejin knows that it’s almost impossible to elicit a tear from Wheein. And yet, here she is, watching as her—arguably—best friend suddenly has tears rolling down her cheeks, shaking and unmoving, muttering apologies over and over again.

“Hey, that’s enough,” Byulyi steps in, shoving a hand at the center of Yongsun’s chest, pushing her back. “I get that you didn’t choose to be here but neither did Wheein, so back off.”

The push jostles Yongsun into the present, looking at the scene in front of her like it’s the first time she’s seen it. “ _Fuck_ ,” she whispers, an angry hand going through her hair. “Fuck, Wheein-ah, I’m sorry.”

Wheein just whimpers, rubbing the base of her palm against her eyes like the thought of crying offends her, clearing her throat before she replies a stilted: “It’s fine.” And she leaves the room.

Byulyi just glares at Yongsun, sitting on her bed, letting the weight of her stare wear the older girl out. Hyejin slips outside the room then.

**::**

It’s not her fault, really.

Hyejin feels like she’s suffocating, feeling the weight of Byulyi’s accusation stapling her to the ground, can’t forget the near manic way the older girl laughs.

“That’s your tactic? Make me eat so I’ll be fat again?” There’s so much venom in her words that Hyejin couldn’t see this as the same Byulyi who always smiled at her after every little progress she made with herself.

_See what you did? You’re the worst._

Yongsun tugs at Hyejin’s arm harshly, moving her out of the way, can’t look up to the faces that are no doubt watching the scene unfold in the cafeteria.

“What the fuck, Byul?” A staff eyes them carefully, dragging Hyejin and Wheein away from the table. Even they know not to mess with Yongsun when she’s in a punching mood. “Stop projecting your fucking insecurities at Hyejin. If it weren’t for her, you would’ve been starving yourself much earlier. That’s what you do, isn’t it? If you don’t do anything about it, you think the problem will go away? Tell me I’m wrong.”

The words seemed to have their intended effect.

“Fuck you.” Byulyi spats, turning away and out of the room.

**::**

No one can blame her when Hyejin felt guilty after that, plunging her own finger so deep into her throat that she throws up almost an entire day’s worth of the miniscule portions.

She doesn’t tell anyone about it.

Byulyi apologizes but she still continues on doing it, throwing up until she feels like she has control over her body again. Because it’s the reason why she’s in their place, right? If it makes her feel good, then how can something ‘unhealthy’ be bad? Aren’t her feelings the only thing that matters?

_Do it. Don’t give a thought to what others say. Do it._

**::**

It’s a particularly bad individual session, Hyejin can tell. Can’t do anything when she hears the soft sobs coming from Wheein’s bed that night, not wanting to pull her covers up in case she misses anything worrying.

Surprisingly, it was Yongsun who corners her the next night.

“Hey, think you can lend me your mattress?” And at Hyejin’s raised eyebrow in question, a flush creeps up the tip of Yongsun’s ears, eyes still holding the guilt of lashing out at Wheein. “It’s for Wheein.” Hyejin’s in.

When Wheein comes out of the bathroom after her usual night shower, all of their beds are naked, mattresses and duvets piled in the middle of the room and her three other roommates are in various stages of lying down in the huge bed.

Byulyi pats the space in the middle, waggling her eyebrows at Wheein in a fashion only she can pull of and look both disgusting and hilarious. Wheein rolls her eyes, knowing why the three are doing this, plopping ungracefully and feeling Hyejin latch onto her back, a leg draped on top of hers and an arm on top of hers.

Yongsun is stiff as a board at Wheein’s other side, turning on her side when Wheein feels the eldest intertwine their pinkies together.

“It’s okay, you know,” Yongsun whispers, curling her pinky inside her palm along with Wheein’s. “I’m sorry. Nothing’s a race, so take all the time you need.”

Byulyi hums, like she’s satisfied, hugs Yongsun’s torso and lacing her hands with Hyejin’s, forming a tight cuddle circle.

It’s the best sleep all of them had in ages.

**::**

When Hyejin read the article, it was an accident. A staff in the front desk left their phone open and when Hyejin passed by, she felt her blood run cold.

It’s pictures of her, a headline of her, telling the whole world that a trainee is admitted in a psychiatric hospital. It’s statements from other trainees, compiled pictures of her massive weight gain and loss. It’s the stuff of her nightmare.

_It’s out. Your secret’s out. You never were good enough, anyway. Might as well give up now._

Everything feels so far, like she’s just going through the motions and her mind’s not into anything anymore. She wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to just not move forever and let everything pass.

_That seems like the best course of action, don’t you think?_

Byulyi notices her muttering, sees the faraway look on the younger girl’s face, paling when she hears the gist of what Hyejin’s muttering to herself. It’s not good. Call her a snitch but Byulyi snags Yongsun from the corridor as soon as she spots her, alarming her of a sudden situation.

Yongsun runs, catches Wheein trying to pry something out of Hyejin, the other kneeling on the foot of a bed, worried eyes pleading. When Hyejin recoils from Yongsun’s touch, she looks terrified, starting to hyperventilate.

Hyejin feels her fingertips running cold, feeling the voices proving their point past her mind and manifesting into actual pain inside her. Everything aches, each breath coming up short. She knows that her body’s moving out of her own accord, feels something against her feet, belatedly noticing that she’s kicking her legs out, Wheein sprawled at the floor with a bleeding lip and Yongsun clutching her stomach.

She feels someone’s arms wrap behind her, arms securing hers in a tight hold, can’t help but helplessly watch as Wheein draped on her front like a heavy blanket, crushing her back to the person behind her, and watches on as Yongsun takes her cold, panic-stricken hands in hers, blowing hot warmth at the tips.

“That’s it, listen to me, Hyejin-ah. Good, you’re doing good.”

Wheein’s crying on her shoulder, squeezing tighter, and floods of reassuring words overlap in both her ears where Yongsun and Byulyi’s lips are pressed. Hyejin feels something drain out of her body, feeling calm at the solidarity the other three has given her.

Maybe they can make their lives easier. Maybe, Hyejin likes to think, that the four of them are meant to be.

**::**

Hyejin whines from her position by the fan, waving her hands in Wheein’s general direction as the other girl does laps in the studio with a desk chair, pretending it’s a sports car. Hyejin needs some attention, and it’s hot, and Wheein’s loud cackle is putting her in a grumpy mood.

The door opens, Yongsun laughs at the scene in front of her, Byulyi poking her head inside the studio for a moment before disappearing again.

Their leader drops by Hyejin’s head, flicking the point of her nose. “Wheein won’t give you attention?”

Hyejin nods sagely, pouting, until Yongsun gives in and lies down on the floor with the youngest, groaning in agony when Hyejin clings to her like a koala. Byulyi comes in and snatches Wheein by the back of the desk chair, rolling her in the other two’s direction and commanding her to _get in this puppy pile, Jung_.

There’s at least an elbow knocking the wind out of Hyejin’s lungs, a knee digging its way on her side, and laughter ringing against all four sides of the soundproofed room.

It’s crazy how a few years back, they were just a bunch of four different teenagers with different issues to work out of.

But with each other, they grew.

She digs around her pants for her phone, opening one of the most recent text windows.

**_Hyejinnie [4:29PM]_ **

_Thank you for the chance, boss_

**_CEO-nim [4:31PM]_ **

_Back in the reminiscing mood, Ahn?_

_If I pass the studio I better see you four moving_

Hyejin just laughs. Wonders how she got so lucky.

**::**

end.

**::**

giving a huge thanks to **varoro2**

thank you and have a good one!

**Author's Note:**

> **follow the link/s on my[ twitter ](https://twitter.com/rexwrites/status/1341058168483315712?s=20)for updates and if you want to be my friend! :D **


End file.
